How do you want to experience your life?
In this post, I share the hybrid method I use with my clients and for myself. It’s inspired by and a combination of Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map Method, the research of Dr Rick Hanson, Ph.D, powerful coaching questions to ignite your thinking and my training as a sensation scientist with the Nia Technique (and many other methods I’ve integrated in my own way for a life textured with yumminess and fulfillment).
AND it needs YOU to turn within and access your own wisdom!
We often create goals based on what we perceive we “should” want, go after or how we think we should behave and show up. This is often informed by social norms, collective belief, “peer pressures”, what “they” say is appropriate and external influences. This is living from the outside-in. Goals set this way lack your personal buy-in, rely heavily on will power, and often have you wondering, “What am I doing this for?”
Then there’s destination addiction. Where you think that by obtaining some “thing” (a new job, promotion, qualification, relationship), it will give you what you desire (balance, love, meaning, purpose, freedom, respect, etc). So you go after that “thing” and either hate the process of getting there or often arrive at the destination feeling unfulfilled as the “thing” didn’t give you what you hoped it would. And in the process, you miss out on enjoying the journey of your actual life, because you’ve been too busy being obsessed with the destination.
It’s all about the FEELING!
What motivates us to “go after” something is the “feeling” (Balance, happiness, respect, confidence, health, love, etc) we think we will get from achieving it. Everything you go after is fueled by how you want to feel! At the most basic level, humans are motivated by three needs, namely: To feel satisfied (approach rewards), feel safe (avoid harm) and feel connected (attach to others) – Dr Rick Hanson PHD
Q: So why do you want the car? A: It shows I am successful
Q: Why is that important to you? A: It will give me respect
Q: What else? A: It will give me a sense of financial security
Q: What makes that important? A: I will feel acknowledged and like I have arrived. (Approach rewards for a sense of safety and acceptance from others)
When you dive deeper and unpack any goal, you will see it’s about a feeling you’re trying to create.
“We should seek to be more, but only if it is to be more of ourselves and there is rapture in the seeking.” Danielle LaPorte, Creator of the Desire Map Method.
Setting your goals from the inside-out:
Here are some questions that might spark an “aha” in you: (got a pen? Ready to consult the inner guru and wisdom we spoke of at the start?)
- How do you currently feel in all areas (relationships, professional, health, etc) of your life?
- How do would want to feel? (Choose maximum 5 words to describe the feelings you hope to create and experience)
- What would “feeling” that give you? (Brainstorm & free-write!)
- What could you do, think and believe to cultivate that feeling every day and to ensure you enjoy the journey? (Brainstorm & free-write!)
- What experiences, activities and daily micro-practices might give you that feeling NOW and on the way to the destination?
- Based on how you want to feel in all areas of your life, what 1 goal can you set that will give you that feeling? (Either 6 month or 12 month goal)
Tada! You are done! The above method changes how you are “in relationship” with life and your goals, and how you go “after” and create what you want, in every moment, every day.
http://www.edwardmonkton.com/ (Image credit)
Also realise (although we do as much as we can to create a “sense” of predictability), that you are not actually 100% in control of how life unfolds, and that it’s a balancing act with the forces of life happening around and within you. However, if you have an idea of what YOU want to create and feel, it will guide your actions, choices and what you go after moment-to-moment, from the inside-out and HOW YOU RESPOND. It will help you navigate your life as it unfolds.
A personal example: I want to feel connected. For me, this means: Feeling connected to myself, my purpose, to those I love, to my body, to my work, to the present moment – and it’s a physical sensation of “being connected” and paying attention. From this personal definition, I can then CHOOSE how I interact with the world (the thoughts I think, what I put in my body, where I spend my time, what I invest in, what books I read, how I show up in my relationships, etc) in a way that creates this desired sensation. I give myself what I need and take the steps required to nurture and grow this feeling. I don’t then expect the outside world to be responsible for providing it!
And I pay attention to what arises in my awareness that gives me that feeling OR I simply BREATHE into the feeling, creating it by calling it up and accessing it in the moment by sensing it – which then changes how I perceive life unfolding.
Image credit: https://www.avaaz.org
Staying on Track:
It’s also a great tool to “flip the switch” and move from an “undesired state” to one I desire. When I notice that I am not feeling connected, I stop. I notice what I am busy with (action, conversation, thought or environment) and then I CHOOSE to change how or what I am engaging with that is causing the “disconnect”. (What am doing/thinking/feeling or how I am relating to “it” – and what can I do or create to shift to my desired way?)
This method will aid you in changing patterns, reducing undesired feelings and assist you in making decisions based on how you are feeling or want to feel. It puts the responsibility with you – not with some external rule maker – to navigate the adventures of your life with YOU as the captain and the compass.
Enjoy the process of designing a life that inspires you!
Taryn Harris is an Executive Coach, Human Asset Activator, Life Designer, Speaker, and Creator of the Hardwire4Success, Wired2Thrive and IN-BODY Programmes. www.tarynharris.com
I move people into their power and ideas, brands and organisations into their power through people. I show my clients how to positively affect their mind and emotions by rewiring their biology to become more content, calm and confident.